Human Beans
by Pirate Moose
Summary: Torchwood’s resident coffee-boy gets more than he bargained for during an impromptu trip to Cardiff’s newest coffee shop...


**HUMAN BEANS – A Torchwood short story**

_**Torchwood's resident coffee-boy gets more than he bargained for during an impromptu trip to Cardiff's newest coffee shop...**_

_**Disclaimer: **__I still don't own Torchwood. Damn it. _

_**Setting:**__ Some time after series 2._

_**Pairing:**__ Hints of Janto :)_

_**A/N: **__Don't ask me where this idea came from; it just kind of wrote itself! Warning – it gets a bit gruesome towards the end! __Also, for those who don't know, Nina is a reoccurring character in the Torchwood novels. Finally, a special thanks to Loopstagirl *biggrin*_

**********

Snow was falling from the grey Cardiff sky; the tiny flakes dancing and swirling in the subtle breeze.

"Yes, Sir? What can I get you?" The gentlemen looked away from the window, caught slightly off guard.

"One coffee, please."

"Anything in particular...?" the girl responded, waving her notepad towards the large blackboard hung above the head. The plastic tag pinned onto the pocket of her apron read _Nina_.

Ianto Jones pondered for a while, and then smiled. "Nope. Surprise me."

"Okaaay..." she said, obviously wanting a more specific answer. "How about the House Special?" Nina's eyes looking worryingly from Ianto to the increasing queue behind him, and then to the pile of orders yet to be made.

"Sounds perfect," he replied in a genuine tone, handing over the exact amount of change.

"Great, thanks. If you'd like to wait just over there..."

Ianto gave her a little nod and wondered over to the end of the counter, where several other people were standing impatiently. He watched as Nina ran from machine to counter, juggling mugs and bottles with accepting orders and change. Why were there no other staff? He looked around the little shop; cosy, warm, friendly looking. It was the sign outside that had originally caught his eye – _Human Beans: You'll find no better coffee across the galaxy... _Ever the curious one, Ianto couldn't resist investigating, especially as it was a lot warmer inside than out. Besides, only _his_ coffee was allowed that reputation…

Ten minutes had passed, and the customers were becoming rowdy.

"Look, missy, I haven't got all day! I ordered that cappuccino twenty minutes ago…"

"'Scuse me, this latté is stone cold…"

"This isn't what I ordered. Jeez, one simple thing I asked for and you got it wrong?"

"Al'right lads," cautioned Ianto, stepping forward to create a physical barrier between the complaining customers and the counter. "You can see the young lady's on her own. Just be patient and…"

"Well, it would help if she'd do her job properly…"

"I'm trying my best here. If you don't like it, take it up with the boss," the girl interrupted through clenched teeth. Her voice was hard and Ianto could literally see her temper rising as her cheeks flushed a deep maroon. "Through the beaded curtains. First door on the right…" They didn't need telling twice. The three of them angrily made their way towards the curtain, with every intention of telling 'the boss' what they thought.

A rippled murmur spread throughout the shop as the customers kept their heads low; the friendly atmosphere from earlier had evaporated like the condensation fostering on the windows. Nina turned to continue pouring a hot chocolate, when she saw a figure draw up behind her.

"Look, if you're gonna complain too…" Instead, to her surprise, the man unhooked an apron from the wall-mounted pegs and lifted it over his crisp, pressed suit.

"I know a thing or two about making coffee. Thought you could do with a bit of help." He held out a hand. "Jones, Ianto Jones."

"Nina Rogers," the young girl replied, her smile and tone reflecting how grateful – not to mention relieved – she felt.

Within an hour, all the orders had been sorted and completed, the last customer having just left. Ianto and Nina flopped down on the nearest seats, a coffee of their own warming their hands and providing a much need caffeine boost.

"Thanks. Y'know, for everything…"

"Glad to have been of service. I would stay a bit longer, but the boss will be expecting me." Ianto looked at his watch and frowned. 10:45. Oops.

"What's he like then, this boss of yours?"

Ianto thought about all the things he could have said: handsome, mysterious, enigmatic, and spectacularly creative - especially in the bedroom… Instead, he simply said: "Unusual," which, basically, was Jack in a nutshell. "Why do you ask?"

"Curiosity. I've never met mine, you see. Haven't even seen his face. There were rumours, though. David said he had the head of a fish! Didn't believe him, of course. He's always off his head. That's what cheap alcohol and student living does to you… "

Ianto's face fell. "A head of a fish? That wouldn't be a _blowfish_ by any chance, would it? Orange, spiky...?" He reached into his pocket for his mobile and speed-dialled the Hub.

"Really wouldn't know. Sorry." Her expression suddenly changed as realisation sank in. "Wait a minute, you're not saying you _believe _him?!" Ianto, however, wasn't listening. He was failing to get a dialling tone, let alone get through to Jack. He desperately punched in the numbers to try again. _The reception must be really awful in here..._ he thought.

"The reception's really awful in here," Nina said, noticing Ianto's attempts. "Always has been. If you want a signal, you'll have to travel a mile or so down the road. Yeah, ridiculous, I know."

Brow wrinkled in annoyance, Ianto reluctantly slipped the phone back into his pocket; he'll have to do this one alone. "One can never be too careful these days," he said, taking out a gun from within his jacket, "especially where blowfish are concerned. Where did you say his office was?" Nina looked at him stunned, her mouth gulping like a fish as words were intended but never came.

"You've got a gun," she finally choked, "in your pocket..."

"Yes, yes I have," he replied, trying to give a reassuring smile. He'll have to remember to carry Retcon with him from now on.

**********

"Jack Harkness! What the bloody hell are you doing?!"

Jack jumped and cursed as Gwen's unexpected arrival caused him to drop the jug of boiling water. Hot steam spiralled vertically as the liquid came in contact with the cold metal floor beneath their feet; a satisfying hiss followed in quick succession.

"No one, and I mean _no one_, uses that machine except him! He'll kill you when he finds out you've been touching his things."

"He's never complained before," Jack muttered playfully, reaching to grab a tea towel.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it!" she smiled. "He's just very particular about his possessions, _especially_ the coffee machine…"

"I know, I know. I'm just desperate for a coffee! Ianto's not in yet, he's not answering his phone and I haven't got my ten o'clock caffeine fix." She could see he was getting tetchy.

"Well, if you're _that _desperate, I can break out the jar of instant I've got stashed in my desk draw…"

"Instant?" he looked up at her with a lopsided grin. "Who's Ianto gonna kill now?"

Gwen felt a pang of guilt. She'd hidden the jar away for emergencies, hoping that Ianto would never discover it. Though, knowing him, he probably found out about it a long time ago. If he had, then he was yet to say anything. Bless him. However, before she could think of a witty response, a conspicuous whirling sounded from the machine, followed by a piercing screech and large puffs of bellowing monotonous smoke.

"Oh, hell…" A look of sheer panic cemented in Jack's handsome face, just before it was splattered with the charcoaled remnants of the filter and copious, mucus-like oil.

Gwen stood wide-eyed; the corner of her lips twitching with the urge to laugh at the Captain's expression. "I can safely say that it is _you_ who will die," she snorted humorously, finally surrendering to the giggling impulse. "Nice knowing you, Captain!" she added before scurrying from the room. She didn't want to be there when her colleague returned. There would be hell to pay…

**********

Venturing through the beaded curtains, Nina stuck close to Ianto as they reached the office. The door was firmly closed, but Ianto could identify the warm metallic stench that permeated through the thin wood.

Blood.

On the count of three, he opened the door cautiously; careful to let the gun take the lead. A foul odour immediately hit them - there was a conspicuous pile of bodies in the corner; a mess of ghostly white skin and mutilated limbs. Nina, recognising who they were, began to sob. Ianto's own stomach lurched but he had to stay strong, for Nina's sake if not his own. He swept the weapon around the room, stopping abruptly as an orange figure stepped out of the shadows.

"And who, may I ask, are you?"

"Ianto Jones. I'm from Torchwood…"

"_Torchwood?!_" the Blowfish spat. A laugh rumbled from his chest, "So this is the infamous Torchwood: a prissy kid in a suit and tie? Ha! I needn't have worried! Oh look," he cooed mockingly, "he has a gun…"

"Now tell me, what would an alien – like you – be doing in a Cardiff coffee shop – like this – in a room full of dead bodies?" His tone became more forceful now, a trick he had learnt from Jack. "Answer me or I'll shoot you now!"

"Aww, the little boy likes to play tough. Well, seems as I'm going to kill you anyway, I _suppose_ I could tell you. Since coming to Earth, I've grown accustomed to this 'coffee' you humans like so much. This shop was still in its final developmental stages; all I had to do was wait until it was complete and then take over from the owner." He pointed to one of the bodies and proudly said: "That's him, just over there." The Blowfish took a few steps closer. "I drank as I pleased and watched the customers roll in. However, I found that the milk did not sit well," he patted his stomach and smirked. "But then I discovered the perfect substitute. _Human blood_…"

"So you've been murdering the customers and staff for their blood and then drinking it in _coffee_?!" Ianto shuddered at the thought of a perfectly good beverage ruined, not to mention the lives wasted for it.

"And that's why you blocked the phone signal? So no one could report you for murder when people disappeared?" whispered Nina. She was still trying to wrap her head around a walking, talking fish, let allow the mutilated bodies of her dead colleagues just a few feet away. Torchwood; why did that name round vaguely familiar? And that man, Ianto – Nina was sure she'd seen him somewhere before…

"My, my! That is a clever one you picked up there! But yes, I didn't want _Torchwood_ to burst in and spoil my fun. You do have a particular reputation for such actions, you know. Though, the other body parts, if cooked correctly, can be just as…"

"That's sick!" Nina choked, shaking her head in both shock and disbelief. "I… I've got to call the police…"

"Not so clever now are we, my pet. How do you propose you do that without working phones?"

"There's an easy way to fix that," smiled Ianto, his finger pressing lightly on the trigger. Effortlessly, a single bullet flew from the gun barrel and collided with a flashing box on the wall; sparks shot out in all directions.

"How did you know…?"

"When a technical-minded colleague makes you endure a three hour lecture on telecommunications and says she'll test you on it afterwards, you have no choice but to sit and listen," he replied matter-of-factly. Out of the corner of his eye, Ianto saw Nina head for the door. Unfortunately, so did the Blowfish.

"I don't think so, young lady." The alien produced a small pistol from his belt and there was a subtle click as an orange, webbed hand cocked the weapon.

"I'm warning you; you leave her out of this!" Ianto yelled, aiming his own gun at the grinning face of the creature.

"Oh, come on, pretty boy! I'm too fast for you; you'll never make the target…" He laughed menacingly as the suited man pumped several bullets in his direction, each one failing to hit him. "Ha! What did I tell – aaagh!!"

His 'I-told-you-so' speech was cut off by a piercing wail and a fountain of liquid. Ianto, who always had a perfect shot, had missed intentionally, his actual targets being the two urns of milk and water standing in the corner of the room. He had quickly pushed Nina out of the way before unleashing a cascade of scolding-hot liquid onto the stunned, unsuspecting victim. It took him minutes to die.

The smell of cooked fish and spilt milk plagued the air, making Nina gag. Ianto held his sleeve to his nose as he watched the luminous skin of the Blowfish melt into an equally luminous suit; resulting in a steaming, lumpy puddle at their feet. It was a little too _Wizard of Oz_ for his liking, though he had always fancied himself a pair of ruby slippers – purely for memorabilia purposes, of course… The two humans watched in sick fascination as the puddle – _née _Blowfish – continued to crackle and bubble. Ianto had no idea that the milk would have _this _much affect; he had only planned to use it as a distraction. Hmmm, another thing to remember for the future. What Ianto _did_ know, however, that he wouldn't be eating fish again anytime soon…

A jingle in his pocket brought him back into reality.

"Hello?"

"Ianto? Where the hell are you?! I've been trying to call you all morning! Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry Jack, but I'm a little tied up at the moment..." He sounded slightly out of breath.

"I sure hope you mean that literally..." he heard the Captain say suggestively.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Unfortunately for your imagination, no." He reached into his pocket for a handkerchief and wiped the beading sweat from his brow, smiling as he pictured Jack's expression. "I've had a bit of a strange morning, see." Nina, pale and sweating, had run to the bathroom and was currently sitting with her head in the toilet, visibly shaking from the strange turn of events.

Jack raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Whyyy, what have you been doing?!" He could faintly make out a sizzling, like that of the fryer at the local chippie. His stomach growled. Boy, he was hungry. Maybe Ianto was bringing in takeaway for lunch…?

"It's a long story, I'll explain later."

"Fine, as long as you pick up a couple of coffees on your way in. Your machine's... well, I think the machine might be... well it's... erm, yeah." He found it hard to conceal his guilt. "I'll see you later," he finished, putting down the phone rather abruptly. If in doubt, he'd blame the dinosaur...

Ianto wasn't sure he could face the thought of coffee right now; he'd had more than enough for today, thank you very much. And as for the mess – in particular, the melted body of an alien Blowfish – well, he'd be back again later with several body bags and a spatula; not to mention a packet of Retcon.

After all, coffee _and_ aliens? It was all in a morning's work for Ianto Jones.

**********

**Epilogue**

"You… you can't go in there," hastened Jack, blocking the entrance to Ianto's 'butler pantry'.

"Whyyy? What are you hiding?"

"Nothing. Nothing. I… er… I just…"

"Jack…" warned Ianto, trying to get past his boss. Jack quickly side-stepped, once again obstructing his path.

Ianto raised a suspicious eyebrow. He was not amused. "Jack, why do I smell burning?"

"Burning? Nope, no burning here." He laughed nervously as Ianto firmly pushed past him, bracing himself for the response.

The young man let out a yelp as he saw the state of his pride-and-joy; smoke spewed copiously from the back of the machine, whilst oil and remnants of coffee continued to splatter up the walls and across the floor.

Ianto turned around to face his colleague; jaw clenched and a stern look of disapproval in his eyes.

Jack winced and bit his lip, then innocently pointed upwards, "Myfanwy did it…?"

---

_**A/N:** Hope you liked it! Reviews are much loved :)_


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